A Cumbersome Thought
by gmbnaru
Summary: God, when did I become so… despondent? A cumbersome thought.
1. A Cumbersome Thought

Sakura was used to it.

Sasuke and Naruto this, Sasuke and Naruto that. Two, the duo, she was always the _plus one._ Never apart of the actual group, just an afterthought.

She was the second choice.

Always.

When she'd made friends with the two in middle school, she'd found that they were _the best_ to be around, ever. But… she was the third wheel.

Sasuke and Naruto were a bicycle, that could never become a tricycle. But apparently road well with other bikes. They became friends with another group, one Sakura didn't fit. She tried her best, but it was never her crowd. It was always awkward held conversations but _they tried_. That was kinda the point, just the effort was seen.

So she did as she could to be included, often forcing her way into group projects by being sure to be the first one seen. Fighting to be around her best friends.

 _They called her best friend too but why did it feel like she fought for the title day in and day out?_

Sakura was depressed. She told them, and they made her get help. Naruto giving her that sad smile and Sasuke his stoic sadness. Because no one should say they don't see senior year being a possibility. _No one._

She was getting better. Numbing, but _better_. She wasn't as kind as she used to be, as understanding. She got agitated at the tiniest thing. But she wasn't sad. She didn't constantly think about the fact that she was _an afterthought. Always and forever._

No, she just watched as Sasuke and Naruto used each other for support, a building brick. As they used Hinata, Ino, Kiba, and Sai for the title _best friend._

 _Which apparently she was as well, but why did it feel as though they hated her?_

She craved attention, some kind of physical contact. _Please, just someone give me a fucking hug and never stop._

It was weird for her _friends_ to hug her but others they were fine with? Others they embraced with open arms? Why was life this unfair. _Why was she cursed?_

For Sasuke to say he hated hugs, only to hug everyone _but her._

She tugged on short locks of pink hair, curling deeper into her blanket. It was a Friday, and she'd spent the whole day trying to ignore her misery. Trying to ignore the pit in her stomach she knew was there because of loneliness.

She knew she probably shouldn't have mixed medications, but it wasn't the first time. The melatonin and Prozac was doing its job. At least the part that was supposed to make her tired.

 _She just wanted to sleep, and stay asleep. If not permanently for a very long time._


	2. Faded

**Note:** This won't be turning into a sasusaku under _any circumstances._ I got a comment about it and I just wanna clear that up. as this story goes I believe you all will see why this can't be.

It was another Friday, at the beginning of summer, where her emotions spiraled into a hazed mess. It did not help that she had gotten considerably close to Shikamaru and his chosen art of practice.

See, the Prozac was failing. Merely bringing forth more of her… bad thoughts. Merely giving her more of a reason to wish herself off this universe. It increased her anger as well. Made her want to punch things, people. It was making her someone she wasn't.

So in her time of need, when none of her friends knew what answering a fucking text was and were too busy all hanging out at Hinata's- she tried something she'd sworn never too.

When the Prozac started to fail, on that Friday where her depression had kicked it up ten notches, she had wanted to try something. Shikamaru suggested it, he'd been closest to her these past few weeks. Closer than Sasuke and Naruto. Which was… strange.

She tried to cope that Friday. Because yeah, the depression had came back, slightly. But before then she had been holding it back! Doing good, for her best friends. She vowed she'd try, for them. It was so hard…

But she had sat in her backyard, on an old trampoline she'd had since childhood, and cried. A baby pink oversized hoodie swimming around her, tears flowing freely in the solitude of nature. Glazed over eyes staring at her glittery phone case, waiting, hoping. Why couldn't they just respond? God, she felt so fucking useless. Such a burden to everyone.

So then next week, she called Shikamaru.

Shikamaru offered her a form of antidepressant that regular doctors would never offer to just a fifteen year old, depressed girl.

It was only a little.

But then, then she felt it.

Nothing and everything all at once.

Shikamaru told her it would make her happy.

He was seventeen and he knew how life worked. At least in Sakura's eyes. He understood why she was depressed. He understood that Sasuke and Naruto were shitty friends, but if he said that to Sakura's face she'd defend them with her last breath.

She hasn't told Sasuke and Naruto what she'd been doing yet. Would they be mad? She hoped not. But at the same time… they deserved to be mad!

She sat around, and waited for them all the time!

"Shika, tell me something." Sakura mumbled, sitting on the edge of Shikamaru's bed and playing with an idle lighter.

"Hmm?" He mumbled, sitting back, a pretty pink and clear dragon piece resting in his hands.

"Why do I do this shit? Like. They so obviously leave me on read and leave me alone but like." She stopped a moment, taking her hit. "I still crawl back to them whenever they want me."

She coughed, taking a sip of her water, "They say they're coming over and I like, hop to making sure everything is perfect."

She laid back, semi starfishing on the end of his bed.

"Well Sak-" he took his hit, taking a small moment to blow the smoke out of his nose. "Humans are weak. We settle with what we get when we know we can -and quite frankly should- do better."

It was silent for a moment, Sakura staring up at Shikamaru's ceiling.

"It's just. They always kinda just leave me to my own devices, yeah?. N'it fucking sucks. It sucks hardcore. I text 'em and they just read it and leave it there. N'it makes me really fucking angry." She let out a large huff at the end, pouting as she glared at her phone.

"Here, it's your hit." Shikamaru mumbled, handing her the piece and his lighter.

She nodded, sitting up and taking the items. As she went to take her hit Shikamaru began his response.

"Well. You know my opinion on them. I think they're bad friends if they do that shit. They're cunts, and they don't deserve you. Point. Period. Blank." Shikamaru's eyes bore into her as he spoke, a bored, but stern tone in his voice.

Sakura let out a large cough, "Hey! They're still my friends you whore!" she laughed out, defense only slightly tinged in the back of her throat.

Shikamaru laughed, taking the piece from the pinkette. "Still. You shoulda like dropped them ages ago. You always got a place in me and Temi's group, you know that."

Sakura sighed, "Yeah. I know. But Sasuke and Naruto… I dunno. I'd feel wrong to leave them. They're my home. Even though the walls are cracking and the roof desperately needs repaired. They're still my home. Like. It fucking sucks to be away from them, and when they ignore me. But when I'm with them… it's all better. It's like I had stage four cancer but as soon as Sasuke shows up at my door I'm fucking healthier than shit."

Shikamaru sighed, he wished he could help Sakura. But, he couldn't. She wouldn't listen to him. Hell, she couldn't. She wasn't strong enough to leave Sasuke and Naruto behind, she wasn't strong enough to let go of them.

She had a heavy heart. Carrying the weight of her emotions in heavy buckets of tears and self medication.

But he didn't say any of this. No, he had already said it a thousand different times, in a thousand different ways. Instead, he said "The bowl is tapped, want me to refill it?"

Sakura shook her head, "Imma head back home. Temi seems to be out and about, she'll probably smoke a little with you." Sakura mumbled, a tiny smile on her face as she got up from his bed.

"Eh, I might text her. I might nap." Shikamaru mumbled, sitting up to grab his grinder.

Sakura smirked, "She might do that with you too." She laughed as she saw Shikamaru's glare.

They were a cute couple. Sakura wished she had that sometimes.

Sakura decided later that night that she was going to tell Sasuke. She told him mostly everything, why not this?

She decided she'd tell him over text, chewing on her thumbnail nervously she clicked on "Sasu" on the top of her Snapchat list.

 _Hey Sasuke can I tell you something?_

She then closed her phone, nervously waiting for his response. She actually jumped when she heard the Snapchat noise, immediately unlocking her phone.

 _Sasu: Yeah, what?_

 _I uh, haven't been taking my Prozac…_

 _Sasu: why the fuck not?_

 _It wasn't working? I didn't really see a point in using it if it was just a pointless high. I just kept getting angry._

 _Sasu: So have you been still feeling suicidal?_

 _No…_

 _Sasu: well that's good._

 _I've been using something else._

 _Sasu: what?_

 _Shikamaru has been… helping me._

 _Sasu: tell me you didn't fucking do what I'm thinking of._

He didn't give the girl time to reply, before sending another text.

 _Sasu: what happened to "I'm never gonna do that" huh?! Did you just say fuck that?_

 _Listen Sasuke, I was depressed! Would you rather I be high or dead?_

Was it really that big of a deal? I mean, she wasn't texting him every other night wanting to down a bottle of pills. Wasn't that good?

 _Sasu: promise me you won't ever fucking do that shit again._

 _Sasuke it's not that bad._

 _Sasu: Promise me Sakura! I've seen people go down that road and everyone ends up dead in the end. Everyone!_

Sakura frowned. She had self control! It's not like she was going to go snort crack just because she smoked a little weed. That's not how it worked!

 _Sasuke I can't promise you that. It makes me happier, isn't that important??_

 _Sasu: not that fucking way, are you retarded?!_

 _Whatever Sasuke. I figured you should know. But I'm not gonna stop just because you fucking tell me to. You don't control me._

She'd given up a lot of things for her friends. But it was time she let herself be happy. She deserved that much.

 _Sasu: Sakura you're fucking stupid. That shit can get you fucking killed._

 _Goodnight, Sasuke._

And she changed his name from Sasu that night to, _"Drama queen."_ She went to bed feeling a faded sense of happiness.

Not happy. But not sad. Just somewhere in the… she honestly didn't know.

Faded.


End file.
